FIVE WORDS OR LESS
Teenager rape and murder revenge.

GRADE
On a par with The New Kids, or better.. I can’t grade this. Movies like these go beyond grades.

NOSTALGIA
67%

WHEN TO WATCH
Saturday. Midnight.

CHECKLIST
_ Bathroom
_ Bedroom
_ Bully
_ Cheerleading
_ Classroom
_ Fight
_ Gym Class
_ Gymnasium
_ High School
_ Locker Room
_ Parked Car
_ Sneaking Out

T & A
1 pair of bare breasts fondled during a violent confrontation
1 of the longest shower scenes showing a group of young girls lathering soapy suds all over their naked bodies
1 prolonged sexual attack, featuring Linnea Quigley’s breasts. But we’ve seen them before haven’t we.
Linda Blair naked in the bath tub, smoking a cigarette and plotting revenge..

REASONS TO WATCH
The entire movie is a reason to watch but I’ll try to break it down.
1. The soundtrack.
2. Lots of boobage.
3. Heart wrenching foreshadowing.
4. Plenty of girl on girl fighting for the fetishist (with clothes on, with clothes off, naked in the shower).
5. The oldest teenagers ever in a teen movie.
6. The Linnea Quigley dance solo showcasing the characters innocence before it is brutally stolen from her.

CHOICE DIALOGUE
“I wouldn’t fuck him if he had the last dick on earth.”
“Too bad you’re not double jointed. Because if you were, you’d be able to bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.”

TEEN MOVIE CONNECTIONS
Lisa Freeman Back to the Future

ADD TO YOUR TEEN MOVIE COLLECTION
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TRAILER

SOUNDTRACK
1. Justice For One (John Farnham)
2. Innocent Hearts (John Farnham)
3. The Quiet Ones You Gotta Watch (John Farnham)
4. Cry (3-Speed)
5. Nothing’s Gonna Stand In Our Way (John Farnham)
6. Exploding Bullets (Real Life)
7. In The Night (BMW)
8. Killer (BMW)
9. Justice For One (John Farnham)

ALSO KNOWN AS

5 WORDS OR LESS
Teen sex comedy my ass.

GRADE
F for fucking stupid. There is absolutely no justification for this movie even existing. It’s so embarrasing that Twin Peaks alumni is involved in this garbage.

NOSTALGIA
0%

WHEN TO WATCH
Oh please.

CHECKLIST
Bathroom
Bedroom
Cafeteria
High School
New Kid
Swimming Pool
Video Arcade

T & A
Tit count: 5
Ass count: 2
Fuck count: 1, but we don’t really see it.

REASONS TO WATCH
1. A top loading VCR.

And uh, that’s about the most exciting scene in the movie.

CHOICE DIALOGUE
“What do you need the room for? You can jack off at home.”

TEEN MOVIE CONNECTIONS
Gary Hershberger Summer
J.J. Cohen Secret Admirer, Back to the Future, Fire with Fire, Daddy
Robert Krantz Back to the Future

ADD TO YOUR TEEN MOVIE COLLECTION
You can find it on your own. I refuse to be a party to this.

TRAILER
I haven’t been able to find one. Which is probably for the best.

SOUNDTRACK
I could care less.

ALSO KNOWN AS

5 WORDS OR LESS
Based On A True Story.

GRADE
A. This is probably the most remarkable teen movie of the eighties.

NOSTALGIA
97%

WHEN TO WATCH
When you are feeling like you’re the ugliest m’fucker in the world. August, 8PM.

CHECKLIST
Bathroom
Bedroom
Best Friend
Cafeteria
Classroom
Fight
Game
High School
House Party

T & A
This film doesn’t need tits and ass. Did I really write that?

REASONS TO WATCH
1. Kelly Jo Minter. One of her finer performances.
2. Map tacking.
3. Bikers.
4. The carnival mirror scene.
5. Blind camp.
6. Rocky Dennis teaching a blind Diana how to feel colors. Now that’s romance.
7. Everyone in this movie is just aces.

CHOICE DIALOGUE
“Don’t worry. I look wierd but otherwise I’m real normal. Everything will be cool.”

TEEN MOVIE CONNECTIONS
Eric Stoltz Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The New Kids, Some Kind of Wonderful, Say Anything
Laura Dern Foxes, Smooth Talk
Lawrence Monoson The Last American Virgin
Alexandra Powers Silence of the Heart, Dead Poets Society
Kelly Jo Minter The Lost Boys
Jill Whitlow Porky’s, Weird Science
Christopher Rydell Under the Boardwalk
Barry Tubb The Legend of Billie Jean
Allison Roth For Keeps?

ADD TO YOUR TEEN MOVIE COLLECTION
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TRAILER

SOUNDTRACK
Thunder Road (Bruce Springsteen)
Badlands (Bruce Springsteen)
The River (Bruce Springsteen)
Born in the Usa (Bruce Springsteen)
The Promised Land (Bruce Springsteen)
Katmandu (Bob Seger)
Ripple (The Grateful Dead)
Little Egypt (Cher / Eric Stoltz)
Dedicated to the One I Love (The Shirelles)
Where Did the Naughty Little Girl Go
Quarter to Three (Gary U.S. Bonds)
Not Me (Gary U.S. Bonds)
Havin’ So Much Fun (Gary U.S. Bonds)
Dear Lady Twist (Gary U.S. Bonds)
Stumblin’ in (Suzi Quatro / Chris Norman)
Magic Carpet Ride (Steppenwolf)
Dirty Work (Steely Dan)
Do It Again (Steely Dan)
Sweet Home Alabama (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
The Moog and Me (Dick Hyman)
Good Golly Miss Molly (Little Richard)
Tutti Frutti (Little Richard)
Can’t Believe You Wanna Leave (Little Richard)
Slippin’ ‘N Slidin’ (Little Richard)
I Want to Hold Your Hand
Girl (The Beatles)

THE REAL ROCKY AND RUSTY

ALSO KNOWN AS

5 WORDS OR LESS
Ditzy blonde of teen movies.

GRADE
F. I felt like I was watching a teen movie without a brain. There are only 3 things saving this movie from being completely unwatchable. Those three things are dance sequences, Andrew Dice Clay, and Jonna Lee.

NOSTALGIA
0%

WHEN TO WATCH
When you want to piss someone off who likes seeing tits in their teen movies. Make them watch this with the promise of tits galore. You’ll be lucky to walk away with your own tits after they get done with you.

CHECKLIST
Bathroom
Bedroom
Classroom
Fat Kid
Game
Gym Class
Gymnasium
High School
House Party
Locker Room
New Kid
School Dance

T & A
About half way into this movie I said, “I know why there hasn’t been any tit in this movie. It’s because she’s in it!” I was referring to Jonna Lee. Although she didn’t take her clothes off, she was involved in a daytime drama type love scene where her breasts are obscured by shadows and Judd Nelsons back side.

It wasn’t until an hour into this movie that we get a pair of bare breasts, and that was for a quick second. You know, enough time for this movie to warrant an R rating, enticing audiences to watch it.

REASONS TO WATCH
1. Jacques Renault
2. Lessons on what is “Prep” and what is not.
3. BREAKDANCE!
4. Hot chick getting turned on by the BREAKDANCE.
5. Andrew Dice Clay (the man brings spice to any movie that needs a little kick).
6. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself questioning whether or not this movie is really rated PG.

CHOICE DIALOGUE
“..you should start looking for signs of arousal. Nipples. They’re a dead giveaway.. Pop up to let you know they’re ready.”

TEEN MOVIE CONNECTIONS
Judd Nelson Breakfast Club, The
Jonna Lee Quarterback Princess, Lovelines, Midnight Hour, The, Shattered Innocence
Carey Scott Gimme an ‘F’, Not Quite Human
Scott McGinnis Joysticks, Racing with the Moon, Secret Admirer, 3:15
Andrew Dice Clay Private Resort, Pretty in Pink

ADD TO YOUR TEEN MOVIE COLLECTION
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TRAILER

SOUNDTRACK
1. Living on the Edge (Shandi)
2. Body Talk (Imagination)
3. Flex It (Re-Flex)
4. Double Trouble (Shandi)
5. Takin’ the Brakes off (Leo Sayer)
6. Something About You (Re-Flex)
7. Hangin’ Loose (Shining Brass)
8. Shakin’ in My Shoes (Tunes)
9. Come if You Want to
Written by Michael Linn & Richard Kraft
10. Far from over
Written by Frank Stallone & Vince DiCola
11. My Sharona
Written by Doug Fieger & Berton Averre
12. Obsession
Written by Dave Powell
13. Chase Music
Arranged & Produced by Larry Lee

ALSO KNOWN AS

5 WORDS OR LESS
Excellerated geek late blooming lover.

GRADE
A-. This is one of those teen movies that just doesn’t quite fit in with the rest. Like Lucas himself.

NOSTALGIA
89%

WHEN TO WATCH
Friday, 8PM. Summer.

CHECKLIST
Bully
Cafeteria
Cheerleading
Classroom
Fat Kid
Game
Gymnasium
High School
Locker Room
New Kid
Parked Car
Peeping
Pep Rally
School Dance

T & A
Almost seeing Corey Haims penis is as close as you’re going to come to tits and ass in this movie.

REASONS TO WATCH
1. This is the cutest Corey Haim was before he turned ugly.
2. You won’t even recognize Winona Ryder unless you know she’s in this.

CHOICE DIALOGUE
“No, go eat pizza. Don’t let me spoil your depression.”

TEEN MOVIE CONNECTIONS
Corey Haim Firstborn, Secret Admirer, The Lost Boys, License to Drive, Dream a Little Dream
Kerri Green The Goonies
Charlie Sheen Silence of the Heart, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Winona Ryder Square Dance, Heathers
Annie Ryan Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Three O’Clock High
Jeremy Piven Say Anything

ADD TO YOUR TEEN MOVIE COLLECTION
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TRAILER

SOUNDTRACK
“Walk Of Life”
Performed by Dire Straits
Written by Mark Knopfler
Courtesy of Phonogram Ltd./Warner Bros. Records Inc.
by arrangement with Warner Special Products

“Follow Your Heart”
Performed and Written by Peter Rafelson

“Night Rolls On”
Performed by Chris Farren
Written by Chris Farren and Curtis Stone
Courtesy of MCA Music

“King For A Day”
Performed by The Thompson Twins
Written by Tom Bailey, Alannah Currie, Joe Leeway (as Joseph Leeway)
Courtesy of Arista Records

“Hit Me With Your Best Shot”
Written by Eddie Schwartz (as Edward Schwartz)
Published by ATV Music Corp.

“Strut”
Written by Charlie Dore and Julian Littman
Published by Ackee Music Inc.

ALSO KNOWN AS

5 WORDS OR LESS
Good God help us all.

GRADE
D. The only reason this does not fail is because there’s enough bare breasted girls to get you at least half way.

NOSTALGIA
56%

WHEN TO WATCH
How abouts when you’re stranded on an island with nothing but a television set, a VCR, some popcorn, and this movie. How abouts no, because a scenario like that is totally ridiculous, much like this movie.

CHECKLIST
Bedroom
Cafeteria
Classroom
Fight
High School
House Party
Locker Room
Swimming Pool

T & A
1 scene involving countless bare breasted teenagers, jiggling in the water as they swim as close to the camera as humanly possible.
1 scene involving teenage girls flashing their panty clad behinds.
1 scene involving Jonna Lee flashing her bosoms, but wearing a bra.
1 stag film, shown for a quick second.. the bare breasts of the leading lady.

REASONS TO WATCH
1. It’s like a 93 minute episode of Kids Incorporated.
2. “Lovelines”, the song.
3. Blow up dolls.
4. That whole band practice scene. Wtf was up with those facial expressions?
5. “Lovelines” t-shirts.
6. The Tab cola incident.
7. The dildo in the cafeteria scene. Someone explain.
8. BREAKDANCE.
9. I felt like I was watching a 93 minute commercial for ARRID. For you youngins out there, try YouTube.
10. Sex comedy turns musical romance. Yes, it is possible.
11. The swimming pool scene.

CHOICE DIALOGUE
“Does this phallic symbol belong to you?”

TEEN MOVIE CONNECTIONS
1. Robert DeLapp Back to the Future
2. Jonna Lee Quarterback Princess, Making the Grade

ADD TO YOUR TEEN MOVIE COLLECTION
This title has yet to be released on DVD. Which is probably best for all concerned.
http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=theunofficiaslee&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B000006GSG&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr

BREAKDANCING SEQUENCE

SOUNDTRACK
1. Lovelines (Souvenir)
2. Totally Gone (The Firecats)
3. A Dream Is Comin’ (P.F. Solo)
4. A Time Like This Again (Joe Esposito)
5. Number One (Souvenir)
6. Reflex (Brittany)
7. For You (Racer)
8. Defying Gravity (Racer & The Firecats)
9. Ba Ba Baby (The Flying Phlegm)
10. Hold Me Tonight (Souvenir)
11. Hearts On Fire (Ben Sharel)
12. Boilin Over (Ben Sharel)

>>> See screencaps here: Miss Vintage Pop Culture

ALSO KNOWN AS

5 WORDS OR LESS
Losing virginity contest at camp.

GRADE
A-. One of the best teen movies. One of the most sought after. They should have made one like this featuring an all boy cast.

NOSTALGIA
90%

WHEN TO WATCH
Summertime, of course. 8 PM. Or, during a thunderstorm, late summer, as the sun is setting.

CHECKLIST
Bathroom
Cafeteria
Fat Kid
Fight
First Time
Game
Peeping
Swimming Pool

T & A
The underage nipple of Tatum O’Neal!

REASONS TO WATCH
1. Vintage Matt Dillon.
2. One of the first 80s teen movies.
3. Alexa Kenin.
4. The seduction scene that doesn’t lead anywhere. Unfortunately.
5. The camera panning the perky bosoms of about twenty underage females saying the Pledge of Allegiance.
6. Food fight.
7. Summer camp.
8. Chubby’s bathing suit.
9. Cinder’s hair styles.
10. “The Riddle Song” also known as “I Gave My Love a Cherry”

CHOICE DIALOGUE
“Remember, a man reaches his sexual peak at seventeen. From then on, downhill. We’ll have to find you a horny thirteen-year old.”
“You think you’re so tough because you’re a model. Well, I’d rather be fat and feel good inside!”

TEEN MOVIE CONNECTIONS
Matt Dillon My Bodyguard, Tex, The Outsiders, Rumble Fish
Alexa Kenin Pretty in Pink

ADD TO YOUR TEEN MOVIE COLLECTION
This title is not yet available on DVD.
http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=theunofficiaslee&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=630021396X&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr

TRAILER

SOUNDTRACK
1. On Saturday Afternoon in 1963 (Rickie Lee Jones)
2. Shake It (Ian Matthews)
3. School (Supertramp)
4. Oh My Love (John Lennon)
5. One Way or Another (Blondie)
6. Let Your Love Flow (The Bellamy Brothers)

ALSO KNOWN AS

5 WORDS OR LESS
The Ultimate Public Service Announcement.

GRADE
I can’t. Please don’t ask me to.

NOSTALGIA
34%

WHEN TO WATCH
The only times watching this movie would ever be considered appropriate would be when you need to laugh yourself out of a depression or if you’re a teacher and are trying to convince your first grade students that drugs are bad via the film and television medium.

CHECKLIST
Arcade
Bathroom
Bedroom
Cheerleaders
Classroom
Game
Gymnasium
High School
Pep Rally
Swimming Pool

T & A
Are you kidding? This is a drug movie! No room for tits and ass.

REASONS TO WATCH
1. The most ridiculous anti-drug propaganda thrown together for the small screen.
2. For anyone wanting a visual definition of the adjective CAMP, watch this.
3. The infamous Helen Hunt Angel Dust ‘episode’…
4. Doug McKeon in a speedo.

CHOICE DIALOGUE
“Everyone else is doing it.”

TEEN MOVIE CONNECTIONS
Doug McKeon Mischief
Helen Hunt Angel Dusted, Quarterback Princess, Girls Just Want to Have Fun
Clayton Rohner Just One of the Guys

ADD TO YOUR TEEN MOVIE COLLECTION
This title has yet to be released on DVD. But it’s not any big loss. Check ioffer.com for a VHS rip. Or pay the $200 one seller on Amazon thinks he’s gonna get for his VHS copy. If you do pay that much you’re just as whack as this movie.

TRAILER

SOUNDTRACK
“Desperate Lives” Written and Sung by Rick Springfield

ALSO KNOWN AS
Senior Prom (working title)

5 WORDS OR LESS
Eighties television teens’ prom night.

GRADE
C+. A pleasant piece of nostalgia featuring all the teen idols of eighties television getting ready for Prom. Good clean fun.

NOSTALGIA
90%

WHEN TO WATCH
Monday night, 8PM. Late September.

CHECKLIST
Bedroom
House Party
Mall
Parked Car
The Point
School Dance

T & A
None. This movie is rated.. PD for Parental Discretion.

REASONS TO WATCH
1. “Senior Prom” theme song.
2. Those A-HA video type opening credits.
3. Every teen idol from eighties television and their parents makes up the cast.
4. “New Cassette Signals”
5. Videotapes.
6. Crimped hair.
7. Scott Blooms mullet.
8. “Blondes, Brunettes, and Jheri Curls”.
9. Hey, what’s with the only black girl not getting a date for the prom. I sense some racism going on.
10. Tempestt bledsoe had alot of girl power. Maybe that’s why she didn’t need a date for the prom.

CHOICE DIALOGUE
“For four years you’ve been getting ready and I’ve been getting horny!”
“We’re gonna need at least five videotapes if we’re gonna stay up all night.”

TEEN MOVIE CONNECTIONS
Tempestt Bledsoe Dream Date
Brian Bloom Crash Course, Desperate for Love
Alyssa Milano Crash Course
Matthew Perry A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon

ADD TO YOUR TEEN MOVIE COLLECTION
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PART ONE!

SOUNDTRACK
coming soon!

FIVE WORDS OR LESS
No fury like Slater scorned.

GRADE
B+. This movie is really about a brother and sister, an accidental shooting, and revenge.. but by the middle of the picture it takes a wrong turn and gets off track. That’s why there are a couple of loose ends (the love interest, the fate of Mr.Pyatt).

NOSTALGIA
69%

WHEN TO WATCH
Saturday, 2AM. Only in late August.

CHECKLIST
Amusement Park
Bedroom
Fight
Little Brother
Mall
Parked Car
Sneaking Out
Swimming Pool

T & A
See Helen Slater in a skimpy bikini bottom and ultra short tank top. You almost see tit but it’s a huge tease.

REASONS TO WATCH
1. Trailer parks.
2. TV dinners.
3. Blue station wagon.
4. Dollar days.
5. This has a cult following.

CHOICE DIALOGUE
“Tapes are not going to be enough.” (What kind of thing is THIS to say??)

TEEN MOVIE CONNECTIONS
1. Christian Slater Heathers, Gleaming the Cube, Desperate for Love
2. Yeardley Smith Heaven Help Us, Three O’Clock High

ADD TO YOUR TEEN MOVIE COLLECTION
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TRAILER